Help For Rebels Over Age 18:

In this Information Sheet we will do our best to answer the following Questions:

What Do I Do With A Rebellious Adult Child Over Age 18?
My Adult Son / Daughter Is Living In Sin. What Do I Do?
My Child Is No Longer Living At Home But Is Living in Blatant Rebellion. What Do I Do?
What Do I Do With A Rebellious Older Child and I Have Other Younger Children Still Living At Home?
What do I do with a rebellious adult that is living in sin?
What do I do with a rebellious adult living with a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

Sadly, because of the age of the rebellious young adult (over 18 years old) there isn't too much that you can do. Don't let that thought discourage you! We DO have some ideas that might help! You won't be able to do everything that Dr. Davis talks about on the Videos, "Changing the Heart of the Rebel" and "Detailed Instructions to Serious Parents to Help with Rebellious Teens", but it could help you to understand what has happened by listening to those messages. It could also help you in relation to other children still at home.

You may feel there is NO hope at all for your 18+ rebel, but it really all depends on you as the Parent. You see, in our extensive experience, 95% of the time if there is a rebellious young adult problem it can be traced back to a parenting problem. You must FIRST deal with the parent problem BEFORE you can deal with the rebel problem. The problem areas that have become evident in your rebellious young adult may have just become a problem in the last few months or years, while the parenting problems have usually been there for many years. The greater challenge is for you as the Parent to see where you have failed and to make the changes needed in order to help your relationship with your rebellious young adult.

Typically speaking, if you are dealing with a rebellious adult it may be because the Parenting has been Dictatorial Parenting. (This type of Parenting is explained in the sermon "Understanding Biblical Leadership.")

Remember you are dealing with a person that the state says is an adult now. You're not dealing with a CHILD that is 3, 8, 10, or even 14 years old.

The rebel's perception needs to be that the Parents love and respect them as a person (adult) and consider them intelligent, and capable of relating to them on a different level than they did during their childhood.

Their rebellious attitude has sometimes grown out of their perception that what they think doesn't matter to you as the Parent. The key is having your child's heart and keeping it into and through adulthood. That means listening to them and having communication at the highest level. You should no more treat a 20 year old like a 12 year old than you would treat a 10 year old like an infant. The fact that the relationship is rocky can indicate that you need to change your approach to the situation.

You have to counter balance the rebellion that has already been built up. At this point the young person is reacting to what they perceive to be unjust treatment by the Parents. Or they may just disagree with you in a specific area. The question you want to ask yourself when you are dealing with a rebellious young adult is: What I am asking them to do/not do, is it Biblical or is it just a preference that I have? No longer can you make the statement "Because I say so. That's why!" If you have failed to pass on your convictions to your child it may be because you might have made that statement one too many times and possibly didn't stop to explain "why" you might not approve of something. This principle is explained in more detail on the Video "How to Pass On Your Convictions to Your Children."

The fact that the relationship is rocky can indicate that you need to change your approach to the situation. In our experience it no longer works to TELL them what to do and expect them to simply, blindly obey. It needs to more of an appeal. They are more likely to respond to the format of an appeal. In the same way a boss in a job situation gets more cooperation from an employee that he listens to and speaks kindly to than he does if he simply orders people around because he has the authority to do so, if you try to tell them what to do you are probably going to get one of many different reactions to it. One typical reaction is, "I'm not a kid anymore and quit trying to tell me what to do!" or the classic is "Stop trying to run my life!" Your focus can't be on "changing them" but rather on changing in the areas that are "between you and God." It is important to remember that you cannot control what that other person does, but you can control what you do and say.

Be careful NOT to make statements with them but instead try asking questions. (Just about anything can be said in a question format.) When you catch yourself getting ready to make a statement try to re-word it into a question. You will be amazed at how quickly your whole demeanor changes (the fluctuations and tone in your voice, your body language, etc.) It's hard to be angry or upset and ask a question at the same time, isn't it? You will be amazed at how this one little thing will help every area of your relationships in life. Look at the life of Jesus. The Scribes and Pharisee's kept trying to corner or catch Jesus in a lie or they would falsely accuse him of something. How did he respond? Most of the time, He would respond to them by asking a question.

What do I do with a rebellious adult that is living in sin?

Parents of a rebellious adult that is living in sin, may feel (be VERY careful of following your emotions in making decisions! This thought is explained on the Video "God's Way to Deal with Your Wrong Emotions.") the need to tell the young adult what he or she is doing is wrong every time they see them or talk to them. Whatever you do. DO NOT DO THAT!!!! Usually, we get an odd look when we tell a Parent that, but if they have lived in your home they KNOW that you don't agree with what they are doing, don't they? They expect you to say something about it. Let the guilt of what they are doing DO THE TALKING FOR YOU and do your best NOT to say anything about it. This is the opposite of what they expect you to do.

More than likely, you have had negative contact with them constantly. Just about every time you have talked with them there may have been some form of negative communication? You want to begin reversing that! On a daily basis have some form of POSITIVE CONTACT ! (NO NEGATIVITY AT ALL!) Phone calls need to be kept brief. At this point it is going to be hard to have a long conversation without coming across with something negative. If you are "preaching" at them constantly it will only cause the situation to become worse.

Everything that you say or do needs to be "candy coated" at this point. There may come a point during this process when they ask your opinion on something. Remember that they didn't give you a license to tell them ALL the things that they are doing that you don't agree with! Be VERY careful to ask them what THEY think FIRST! That will help you to KNOW if they REALLY want your opinion or if they are just trying to figure out why you haven't been "blasting them" every chance you get.

The next question we are frequently asked is, "What DO we talk about then?" Here are a few ideas for conversation and some examples of things that you can do to win your Adult Rebel's heart back and begin to build a relationship with them again. Remember to keep it light!

Basically what you are going to be doing is reassuring them of your love and that you are there for them. That is the basic extent of your conversations, unless THEY take it further. What you want to do is re-form a bond that says that you are there for them. When they ARE ready to repent you want them to feel like they can come to you and you will listen and not be critical.

Phone Conversation and Other Ideas:

"I just wanted to call and wish you a wonderful day. I want you to know that I love you and I'm here for you! Bye!" That conversation did nothing but give them your love and after months of doing this (remember this process is going to take TINY BABY steps) it will start to sink in that you love them and they just might feel like they can come back or at least feel like they might could talk to you.
"I was just remembering ______ (a happy memory) and was laughing about it, remembering it. I wanted to call and remind you of it too. Don't forget I love you and I hope you have a great day!" This helps them remember the happy times together and helps "take the edge off" them thinking they might be getting a "tongue lashing" or "here we go again. another one of Dad's famous speeches about all the things I've done wrong to make Dad and Mom's lives miserable." Try your best to stay away from ANYTHING that might cause conflict or an argument. Your objective is to let them know how much you love and miss them. Whatever you do, DON'T GET ANGRY WITH THEM! If you have an outburst of anger, (even a small one) it could mean the relationship that you have been working so hard to re-build will now either have a huge hole in it, or it might have crumbled to the ground and it might even never be able to be re-built! BE PATIENT AND LOVE THEM! Remember how much Jesus loves us when we sin and how patient he is with us too!
Another simple thing that you can do is send them cards or notes! Son or Daughter alike. who doesn't like to HEAR that they are loved! You might say,"They KNOW I love them!" Do they? What have they been hearing? Have they heard all about how they are making everyone's lives around them miserable, or have they heard the words, "I Love You!" It is difficult to say those words when you are upset with someone. As much as you think you might have said, "I Love You!" it probably hasn't been enough. You can't say it enough! You KNOW that your spouse loves you, but you enjoy hearing it said or seeing it written don't you?
Praise! Praise is another way to say I love you! It's not easy, but you CAN find something to praise them for! Look for every opportunity to praise something! (Dr. Davis tells how praise is like a magnet drawing the heart to you on the video "Changing the Heart of a Rebel." The message "How to Develop Character in Your Children" teaches you how to praise.)
When writing, NEVER write something negative!!!! You want this to be something that they might keep and reread! You don't want the focus on the negative but the positive! Sometimes it is hard to get the focus back in the right direction, but it is possible! Keep trying!
Send them presents (small things like favorite candy or cookies.) Moms are GREAT at remembering little things like these.
Get them a family photo that they can look at daily if they want to. Be sure that it is of HAPPIER times and that the picture doesn't hold any bad connotations.
Only the Parents should take them out for lunch or dinner (once a week if possible.) You could have them to your home for a meal but the other children cannot be anywhere around! (Not allowing the children around the rebellious adult is explained further down below.)

At the time of this writing, we have a family that has been working with their adult rebel daughter almost a year. They are making headway, but this isn't something that can be turned around quickly. (This is a key reason why, if you have a teen rebel, you want to get them turned around before they become an adult.)

Typically speaking, boy rebels are easier to turn around than girls because girls deal in their emotions where guys are more logical and easier to reason with. This does not mean that you should have the expectation that a son will turn around quickly.

The reason why this isn't a quick, easy fix is because it's a process that is going to take a lot of time. The child needs has to feel like they can trust you again. (The message "How to Rebuild Broken Trust" explains the principle that God miraculously rebuilds trust when we give Him the time and materials with which to do it.)

What Do I Do With A Rebellious Older Child when I Have Other Younger Children Still Living At Home?

If you are dealing with an older sibling that has younger siblings still living at home then you will have to cut off ALL communication between the rebellious young adult and the other children. That means ALL forms of communication. Phone calls, e-mails, letters and even eye contact! You may think this is a bit harsh and drastic but if you don't break all communication then you will begin the domino effect explained on the following Videos: (You may consider getting these Videos and letting your other children watch them and discuss them when you are finished.)

"Why Satan Wants the First Born"
"The Influence of Older Children on Younger Ones"
"How to Help Weak Children Become Strong"

This DOES NOT mean that YOU as the Parent cut off communication with the rebellious adult! In fact, you do the direct opposite! (We discussed this earlier.) You want to do your best to maintain ALL communication with them.

What do I do with a rebellious adult living with a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

If you are dealing with a child that has moved in with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you are trying to get them to see that this isn't the best thing for them, DO NOT say things bad about or against the other person they are in a relationship with. It will make them feel like they have to stand up for them or protect them.

Videos that need to be watched and followed:

If you are able to get your rebellious adult to watch any of these Videos with you, they may be watching to see if you will recognize areas in which you have failed them and see if YOU are willing to change BEFORE they will.

As you view each Video, if you, in a spirit of humility, can ask your spouse and your other children to discuss and point out failures as you finish each video you will then be able to confess your failures, make yourself accountable to them, and discuss any misunderstandings, misconceptions or misinterpreted motives. The discussion is a very important part of this process. Remember that your spouse and your children know you far better than anyone else, because they live with you. Keep in mind that if you have or have had a problem with anger in the past, your children or spouse may not feel the freedom to point out your problems to you. You might try a week of changing your recognized failures without discussing it, and then ask if they have noticed a change. Whatever you do, DON'T GET DEFENSIVE! Admit that you are trying to change and ask them to be patient with you, but don't use that as an excuse-- CHANGE! If you know you have a problem with for instance, ?anger' and you keep telling your family I'm going to change and then in the next hour, or day you blow up, they are going to start viewing you as a liar or a hypocrite. You don't want that! It is very important not to promise something that you will not be able to fulfill. Otherwise, this will be viewed as inconsistency and cause insecurity and mistrust in your spouse or the children. Be very aware of this. It is very important to the possibility of you turning this situation around.

Because of the emotional roller coaster you are on, these things may not seem to you to be working, but you must trust the wisdom of following the instructions even when you don=t feel successful. Paying the price will be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. The questions you want to ask yourself are: How far will I go for my child? Will I do ANYTHING for them? Will I do ANYTHING to win them back? How important is my child to me? Is my child more important to me than money? Is my child more important than my very life? Is my child important enough for me to recognize the areas in which I need to change and do whatever I have to do to change? (Your children and your spouse know how you would answer these questions, so if you aren't sure of the answers yourself, ask your child or spouse. If they aren't afraid, you might get an honest answer.)

The Videos listed below are the main titles that may help you when dealing with your rebellious young adult. You are going to have to make some VERY tough decisions. Again, because of the age of your rebel unfortunately there isn't much you can do other than love give them love and acceptance. (Remember what was said earlier about them already knowing how you feel about what they are doing.) You may not love what your child is doing but you can ALWAYS love your child. (This is the principle that Dr. Davis speaks about on the Video, "How to Use Acceptance to Build Others." )

"Changing the Heart of Rebel"
"Knowing When to Let Go"

(The following title will help you understand how to parent adult children. Dr. Davis also addresses adult children. Be careful to listen to it for what YOU need to hear. It's easy to listen to it and focus on your rebellious adult.)

"What God Expects from a 20 Year Old"

Continuing with the list...

"What Pride Does"
"How to Humble Yourself"
"The Necessity of Replacing Evil with Good"
The Anger Series: (Anger is the cause of 99% of the rebellion in our day. Why that is so is explained on the videos.)
- "Anger the Destroyer"
- "Freedom from the Spirit of Anger"
- "What Impatience Does"
- "What the Bible Has to Say About Scorn and Mockery"
- "How to Help a Man (or a Person) Deal with their Anger"
"God's Weightiest Commands to Husbands, Wives and Parents"
"How to Treat a Wounded Spirit"
"7 Keys to Unlock Doors of Communication"
"How to Use Acceptance to Build Others"
"How to Bless Your Children and Others"
"Are You a Giver or a Taker?"
"Understanding Biblical Leadership"

(If parents are getting discouraged they may need the following message)

"Overcoming Discouragement"

Videos for Fathers:

"Christ, the Husbands Example"

Videos/DVD's for Mothers:

"The 7 Fold Power of a Wife's Submission"
"The Attitude No Lady Should Have"
"How a Wife Can Use Reverence to Build or Save Her Marriage"
"God's Way to Deal with Your Wrong Emotions"

It could definitely be helpful for you to get and watch these other Videos referred to. They may help you to recognize areas where you might have failed in the past. If you have other children still at home, it may help you to not make the same mistakes twice. Otherwise you are headed down a "domino effect" road and the possibility of loosing ALL your children.

"3 Key Elements of Successful Parenting"
"How to Parent as a Team"
"How to Develop Character in Your Children"
"How to Keep Children from Getting Bitter"
"How to Rebuild a Broken Trust"

You may read the description on the following tape and feel like you think you need to show your rebel this tape. Please, DO NOT play it. If you do, you will probably end up with a worse rebel than what you have already right now!

"My Son, Give Me Thine Heart"

We had a parent recently show their rebellious adult this Video after we had begged them not to and they called back and said, "That Video didn't do any good! They sat there and scowled at the screen the whole time and there wasn't a change at all!" I could have told them that if they had asked me, but instead they chose to show it anyway. What they did was cause their rebel to become harder because they hadn't changed anything themselves yet so that the rebellious adult would want to change. Sadly, they may NEVER get a second chance! They wanted a quick fix and they might have lost all opportunity forever to help their child!

The following tapes should be played after surrender:

"When Forgiveness Won't Work"
"How to Rebuild Broken Trust"
"How to Tell True Repentance"
"How to Help Weak Children Become Strong"

Sadly, we've had people try to go through this process using the audio/CD version of the titles listed instead of the Video version and it simply WILL NOT WORK. Yes, the CD's are cheaper, but it will not help you deal with the problems that you are having. When trying to fix a roof that has a HUGE hole in it, do you go to the store and ask to purchase the cheapest tarp you can to fix the hole or do you find someone to help you replace that entire part of the roof so you don't have massive problems again down the road a few days, months or years from now? Of course, you try to be as frugal as possible while getting all the tools and materials that you need to fix that hole, but you realize the importance of fixing this problem so you do your best to get what you need. You don't wait days or weeks before finding the tools to fix it-- you do it as soon as possible, otherwise you are going to have more damage caused by that problem the longer you wait! It is the same thing when dealing with rebellion problems. Usually, it is the Mother that senses the problem earlier and the Father typically either doesn't recognize it or doesn't want to deal with it so they wait until there is a HUGE hole that they have to deal with and, if you don't get all the information that you need, presented in the best way possible, you are going to continue to have problems. A Mother, crying gave this testimony: "Please tell everyone to listen to you when you tell them that the Videos really do make a difference! We tried using the audio version to turn our rebellious teen around. We didn't see the necessity at the time of the videos and didn't feel the need to spend the little extra, and it ended up hurting us much more than helping us. It inoculated our daughter just enough for her to not respond and change. We, as the parents, did not even realize that we weren't impacted enough by the cassettes to make the changes that were needed in us until it was too late. Please tell others our story to save them more heartache." The Videos give the impact that you as the Parent as well as the rebellious adult need made on you. The audio will not give you that impact! It is better for you to not hear the sermon at all than to inoculate you against dealing with the problem. If you truly want victory in this or any area for you and your rebellious adult, you will NEED the DVD's and NOT the CD's. If you cannot afford the entire series at one time, we suggest that you start at the top of the list and work your way down through them. (See our specials for the BEST possible price!)

Remember, we are doing our best to try to help you deal with the problem once and for all. Quick, easy, cheap fixes of any life problem tend not to last. This is even more true in the spiritual realm than in the physical realm!

AFTER you are completely finished watching ALL of these Rebellious Adult Parenting Videos and if you are unclear about what is happening, you are welcome to call us at 217-445-2527. You will be speaking with Jeanna, who is our main counselor as well as the full time secretary for our ministry. She has helped 100's or 1,000's of families dealing with family problems just like you are dealing with. Normally, she will set up an appointment with you. Once again, be sure to have the Videos watched BEFORE calling with questions. The Videos are where you are going to find 99 % of the answers to your questions. If Jeanna is spending time with you telling you what is on the videos then she will not have the time to help someone who may be calling needing help.

Very few parents are willing to make all the sacrifices to win back their child. Getting the Videos is the easy part of the process, Paying the Price is the hard but rewarding part! We pray that your family will be one of the success stories that will help encourage others. We love to hear those success stories so please let us know how it goes. It can be a world of encouragement to the next family beginning their process. :) We pray that God will bless you and give you the strength you'll need as you begin the process of winning back your Rebellious Adult's trust, love and loyalty.

Disclaimer: Neither Dr. S. M. Davis nor Park Meadows Baptist Church of Lincoln, IL offers any guarantee for the results of following the counsel offered in this document or in the messages offered by this ministry, nor do they accept responsibility for any negative outcome resulting from following the counsel offered by this ministry.