Help for Rebels Over Eighteen

We have put together detailed outlines of how to help rebelling children, one for children under the age of eighteen, and another for children over age eighteen (including children who may no longer be living at home). Please use the correct outline for your situation, and please follow all of the details! We have worked with hundreds or thousands of families over the years, and we know that these procedures work. Some families have tried to take shortcuts or have not followed these instructions in other ways and have ended up with worse rebels than the ones with which they started, so please read this information and follow it carefully.

Please Note: If you are dealing with a rebellious child UNDER the age of eighteen, please click here for the appropriate instructional sheet.

In this information sheet we will do our best to answer the following questions:

(If you are dealing with a rebellious child UNDER the age of eighteen you will need a different instructional sheet.)

Sadly, because of the age of the rebellious young adult (over eighteen years old) there isn't too much that you can do. Don't let that thought discourage you! We DO have some ideas that might help! You won't be able to do everything that Dr. Davis talks about on the DVD's, "Changing the Heart of a Rebel," and Detailed Instructions to Serious Parents to Help With Rebellious Teens," but it could help you to understand what has happened by listening to those messages. It could also help you in relation to other children still living at home.

You may feel there is NO hope at all for your rebel over age eighteen, but it really all depends on you as the parent. In our extensive experience, 99% of the time that there is a rebellious young adult problem, it can be traced back to a parenting problem. You must FIRST deal with the parent problem BEFORE you can deal with the rebel problem. The problem areas that have become evident in your rebellious young adult may have just become a problem in the last few months or years, while the parenting problems have usually been there for many years. The greater challenge is for you as the parent to see where you have failed and to make the changes necessary in order to help your relationship with your rebellious young adult.

Typically speaking, if you are dealing with a rebellious young adult it may be because the parenting has been "dictatorial" parenting. (This type of parenting is explained in the sermon, "Understanding Biblical Leadership.") Remember, you are dealing with a person whom the state says is an adult now. You're not dealing with a CHILD who is three, eight, ten, or even fourteen years old. The rebel's perception needs to be that the parents love and respect him as a person (adult) and consider him to be intelligent and capable of relating to them on a different level than he did during his childhood. His rebellious attitude has sometimes grown out of his perception that what he thinks doesn't matter to you as the parent. The key lies in having your child's heart and keeping it into and throughout adulthood. That means listening to him and having communication at the highest possible level. You should no more treat a twenty-year old like a twelve-year old than you would treat a ten-year old like an infant.

You must counter-balance the rebellion that has already been built up. At this point, the young adult is either reacting to what he perceives to be unjust treatment by you as his parents, or he may just disagree with you in a specific area. The question you want to ask yourself when you are dealing with a rebellious young adult is this: Is what I am asking him to do/not do Biblical, or is it just a preference that I have? No longer can you make the statement, "Because I say so, that's why!" If you have failed to pass on your convictions to your child, it may be because you have made that statement one too many times. It's possible that you never stopped to explain why you might not approve of something. (This principle is explained in more detail on the DVD, "How to pass On Your Convictions to Your Children.")

The fact that the relationship is rocky should indicate that you need to change your approach to the situation. In our experience it no longer works to TELL them what to do and expect him to simply blindly obey. There needs to be more of an appeal. He is more likely to respond to the format of an appeal, just as a boss in a job situation tends to get more cooperation from an employee to whom he listens and speaks kindly, than he does if he simply orders people around because he has the authority to do so. If you try to tell him what to do, you are probably going to get one of many different reactions to that approach. One typical reaction is, "I'm not a kid anymore, so quit trying to tell me what to do!" Another Reaction might be the classic, "Stop trying to run my life!" Your focus can't be on "changing him," but rather on changing in the areas that are "between you and God." It is important to remember that you cannot control what that other person does, but you can control what you do and say.

Be careful NOT to make statements with him, instead, try asking questions. Almost any statement can be asked in a question format. When you catch yourself getting ready to make a statement, try to re-word it into a question. Your whole demeanor will change (the fluctuations and tone in your voice, your body language, etc.). It's hard to be angry or upset and ask a question at the same time, isn't? You will be amazed at how this one little change will help every relationship in your life. Look at the life of Jesus. The scribes and Pharisees kept trying to corner Jesus or catch Him in a lie, or they would falsely accuse Him of something. How did He respond? Most of the time, He would respond to them by asking a question.

What do I do with a rebellious young adult who is living in sin?

Parents of a rebellious young adult who is living in sin may feel the need to tell the young adult that what he or she is doing is wrong every time they see him or talk to him. Whatever you do... DO NOT DO THAT!!! Be VERY careful not to follow your emotions in making decisions! (This thought is explained on the DVD, "God's Way to Deal with Your Wrong Emotions.") Usually, we get an odd look when we give a parent this advice, but if your child has lived in your home, he KNOWS that you don't agree with what he is doing, doesn't he? He expects you to say something about it. The guilt of what he is doing DOES THE TALKING FOR YOU, so do your best NOT to say anything about it. This is the opposite of what he expects you to do.

More than likely, you have had negative contact with them constantly. Almost every time you have talked with him there has probably been some form of negative communication. You want to begin to reverse that! On a daily basis, have some form of POSITIVE CONTACT - NO NEGATIVITY AT ALL! Phone calls need to be kept brief. At this point it is going to be hard to have a long conversation without coming across with something negative coming up. If you are "preaching" at them constantly, it will only cause the situation to become worse.

Everything that you say or do needs to be "candy coated" at this point. There may come a point during this process when he asks your opinion on something. Keep in mind that he didn't give you a license to tell him ALL the things that he is doing that you don't agree with! Be VERY careful to ask him what HE thinks FIRST! That will help you to KNOW if he REALLY wants your opinion, of if he is just trying to figure out why you haven't been "blasting" him every chance you get.

The next question we are frequently asked is, "What DO we talk about then?"

Here are a few ideas for conversation and some examples of things that you can do to win your young adult rebel's heart back so you can begin building a relationship with him again.

Remember to keep it light! Basically, what you are going to be doing is reassuring him of your love and letting him know that you are there for him. That will be the basic extent of your conversations, unless HE takes it further. What you want to do is re-form a bond that says that you are there for him. When he IS ready to repent, you want him to feel like he can come to you, and you will listen and not be critical.

Phone Conversation and Other Ideas:

"I just wanted to call and wish you a wonderful day. I want you to know that I love you and I'm here for you! Bye!" That conversation did nothing but give him your love, and after months of doing this (remember, this process is going to take TINY BABY steps), it will start to sink in that you love him. He just might feel like he can come back, or at least feel like he may be able to talk to you.

"I was just remembering _________ (fill in the blank with a happy memory) and was laughing about it. I wanted to call and remind you of it, too. Don't forget I love you, and hope you have a great day!" This helps him to remember the happy times together, and it helps to "take the edge off" of him thinking he might be getting a "tongue lasing" or "here we go again... another one of Dad's or Mom's famous speeches about all the things I've done wrong to make their lives miserable." Try your best to stay away from ANYTHING that might cause conflict or an argument. Your objective is to let him know how much you love him and miss him. Whatever you do, DON'T GET ANGRY WITH HIM! If you have an outburst of anger (even a small one), it could mean that the relationship that you have been working so hard to re-build will now either have a huge hole in it, or it might have crumbled to the ground and might never be able to be rebuilt! BE PATIENT AND LOVE HIM! Remember how much Jesus loves us when we sin and how patient His is with us, too!

Another simple thing that you can do is to send him cards or notes! Both sons and daughters appreciate hearing that they are loved! You might say, "They KNOW I love them!" Do they? What have they been hearing? Have they heard all about how they are making everyone's lives around them miserable, or have they heard the words, I Love You?" It is difficult to say those words when you are upset with someone. As much as you think you might have said, "I Love You!" it probably hasn't been enough. You can't say it enough! You KNOW that your spouse loves you, but you enjoy hearing it said or seeing it written, don't you? Adult children are no different. Your love must be affirmed to them repeatedly.

Praise!

Praise is another way to say, "I love you!" It may not be easy, but you CAN find something for which to praise him! Look for every opportunity to praise him for something! (Dr. Davis tells how praise is like a magnet, drawing the heart to you, on the DVD, "Changing the Heart of a Rebel." The message, How to Develop Character in Your Children," teaches you how to praise.)

When writing, NEVER write something negative!!!! You want this to be something that he might keep and reread! You don't want to focus on the negative but on the positive! Sometimes it is hard to get the focus back in the right direction, but it is possible! Keep trying!

Send them presents (small things like a favorite candy or some cookies.) Moms are GREAT at remembering little things like these.

Get them a family photo that they can look at daily if they want to. Be sure that it is of HAPPIER times and that the picture doesn't hold any bad connotations.

Only the Parents should take them out for lunch or dinner (once a week, if possible.) You could have them come to your home for a meal, but the other children must not be anywhere around! (The reason for not allowing the other children around the rebellious young adult will be explained in further detail later.) At the time of this writing, we have a family who has been working with their adult rebel daughter for almost a year. They are making progress, but this isn't something that can be turned around quickly. This is a key reason why, if you have a teen rebel, you want to get him turned around before he becomes an adult. Don't give up if you don't see immediate results. Keep trying and keep praying.

Typically speaking, rebellious young men are easier to turn around than rebellious young ladies, because young ladies tend to respond with their emotions, whereas young men tend to be more logical and the easier ones with whom to reason. This does not mean that you should have the expectation that a rebellious young man will turn around quickly. Every situation is different and every person is different, so predictions or assumptions cannot be made concerning your particular situation. The reason this isn't a quick, esy fix is because it's process is going to take a lot of time. The rebellious young adult needs to feel like he can trust you again. (The message, "How to Rebuild Broken Trust," explains the principle that God miraculously rebuilds trust when we give Him the time and materials with which to do it.)

What Do I Do With A Rebellious Older Child when I Have Other Younger Children Still Living At Home?

If you are dealing with an older sibling who has younger siblings still living at home, then you will have to cut off ALL communication between the rebellious young adult and the other children. That means ALL forms of communication - phone calls, e-mails, letters and even eye contact! You may think this is a bit harsh and drastic, but if you don't break off all communication then you will begin the domino effect explained on the following DVD's: (You may consider getting these DVD's, letting your other children watch them, and then discussing them with them when they are finished.)

This DOES NOT mean that YOU, as the parent, should cut off communication with the rebellious young adult! In fact, you do the direct opposite (we discussed this earlier)! You want to do your best to maintain ALL communication with him.

What do I do with a rebellious young adult who is living with a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

If you are dealing with a rebellious young adult who has moved in with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you are trying to get him to see that this isn't the best thing for him, DO NOT say bad things about or against the other person with whom he is in a relationship. It will make him feel like he has to stand up for him or protect him.

If you are able to get your rebellious young adult to watch any of these DVD's with you, he may be watching to see if you will recognize areas in which you have failed him, and to see if YOU are willing to change BEFORE he will.

If you, in the spirit of humility, can ask your spouse and your other children to discuss and point our failures as you finish each DVD, you will then be able to confess your failures, make yourself accountable to them, and discuss any misunderstandings, misconceptions or misinterpreted motives there may be.

The discussion is a very important part of this process. Remember that your spouse and your children know you far better than anyone else because they live with you. Keep in mind that if you currently have (or in the past have had) a problem with anger, your children or spouse may not feel the freedom to point out your problems to you.  You might especially try watching the first two messages in the "Anger" series a couple of times before watching them with your young adult. Take a week to try to change your recognized failures without discussing it, and then ask your family if they have noticed a change. Whatever you do, DON'T GET DEFENSIVE! Admit that you are trying to change and ask them to be patient with you, but don't use that as an excuse - CHANGE! If you know you have a problem with anger, for instance, and you keep telling your family, "I'm going to change," and then in the next hour or day you blow up, they are going to start viewing you as a liar or a hypocrite. You don't want that! It is very important not to promise something that you will not be able to fulfill. Otherwise, this will be viewed as inconsistency and will cause insecurity and mistrust in your spouse and/or your children. BE VERY AWARE OF THIS! It is very important to the possibility of you turning this situation around.

Because of the emotional roller coaster you are on, these things may not seem to you to be working, but you must trust the wisdom of following the instructions even when you don't feel successful. Paying the price will be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. The questions you want to ask yourself are: "How far will I go with for my child? Will I do ANYTHING for him? Will I do ANYTHING to win him back? How important is my child to me? Is my child more important to me than money? Is my child more important than my very life? Is my child important enough for me to recognize the areas in which I need to change and to do whatever I have to do to change?" (Your children and your spouse know how you would answer these questions, so if you aren't sure of the answers yourself, ask your child or your spouse. If they aren't afraid, you might get an honest answer.)

DVD's listed below are the main titles that may help you when dealing with your rebellious young adult. You are going to have to make some VERY tough decisions. Again, because of the age of your rebel, unfortunately there isn't much you can do other than give him love and acceptance. (Remember, he already knows how you feel about what he is doing.) You may not love what your child is doing, but you can ALWAYS love your child. (This is the principle that Dr. Davis speaks about on the DVD, "How to Use Acceptance to Build Others.")

Do not watch these first 3 titles listed with the rebellious young adult.

(The message "What God Expects from a 20-Year-Old," will help you understand how to parent adult children. Dr. Davis also addresses adult children. Be careful to listen to it for what YOU need to hear. It's easy to listen to it and focus on your rebellious young adult.)

Anger is the cause of 99% of the rebellion in our day. Why that is so is explained on the DVD's.

DVD's for Fathers:

DVD's for Mothers:

It could definitely be helpful for you to get and watch these other DVD's, to which we refer here. They may help you to recognize areas in which you might have failed in the past. If you have other children still living at home, it may help you to not make the same mistakes twice. Otherwise, you are headed down a "domino effect" road, and there may be a possibility of loosing ALL your children.

Key DVD's for your other children still living at home to watch:

NOTE: If there is a boyfriend/girlfriend problem currently, or if there has been a problem in the past, you may consider purchasing the entire "Courtship/Betrothal" series.

If the rebellious young adult is willing to watch some of the DVD's with you, we would suggest that you watch the DVD's that are for you as the parent first with him, and then you could continue with the following DVD's:

If there is a boyfriend/girlfriend problem currently, or if there ahs been a problem in the past, you may consider purchasing the entire "Courtship/Betrothal" series. Only three are listed here, but you could get the entire set of ten DVD's if you need them.

NOTE: If  the young adult watches this message and doesn't respond positively, you may need to start at the top of the list again and go down them just as you had done previously, so that you will be ready for, "My Son, Give Me Thine Heart."

You may read the description on the following message and feel like you think you need to show your rebel this message. Please DO NOT DO THIS!! If you do, you will probably end up with a worse rebel than the one with which you began! You can and need to play the DVD when you, as the parent, sense that your young adult is close to surrender to God.

THIS IS THE DVD THAT WILL REACH OUT AND GET HIS ATTENTION!

Parents should watch the first part of the DVD with him, and then leave the room so he can finish it alone. He will be able to show emotion without feeling like he cannot because you are sitting there with him.

we had a parent show his rebellious young adult this DVD after we had begged him not to, and they called back and said, "That DVD didn't do any good! He sat there and scowled at the screen the whole time, and there wasn't a change at all! We could have told him that was the response he would get if he had asked us, but instead he chose to show it, anyway. What he did was cause his rebel to become harder, because he hadn't changed anything himself yet, so that the rebellious young adult would want to change. Sadly, he may NEVER get a second chance! He wanted a  quick fix, yet he might have lost all opportunity forever to help his child!

The following DVDs should be played after the rebellious adult has surrendered:

Sadly, we've had people try to go through this process using the audio/CD version of the titles listed instead of the DVD version, and it simply WILL NOT WORK. Yes, the CD's are less expensive, but it will not help you deal with the problems that you are having. When trying to fix a roof that has a HUGE hole in it, do you go to the store and ask to purchase the cheapest tarp you can find to fix the hole, or do you find someone to help you replace that entire part of the roof so you don't have massive problems again a few days, months or years down the road from now? Of course, you try to be as frugal as possible while getting all the tools and materials that you need to fix that hole, but you realize the importance of fixing this problem, so you do your best to get what you need. You don't wait days and weeks before finding the tools to fix it - you do it as soon as possible; otherwise, you are going to have more damage caused by that problem the longer you wait! It is the same thing when dealing with rebellion problems. Usually, it is the mother who senses the problem earlier, and the Father, typically, either doesn't recognize it or doesn't want to deal with it. They wait until there is a HUGE hole that they have to deal with, and if you don't get all the information that you need, presented in the best way possible, you are going to continue to have problems. A mother, crying, gave this testimony: "Please tell everyone to listen to you when you tell them that the DVD's really do make a difference! we tried using the audio versionto turn our rebellious teen around. We didn't see the necessity at the time of the DVD's and didn'tfeel the need to spend the little extra, and it ended up hurting us much more than helping us. It inocutated our daughter just enough for her to not respond and change.We, as the parents, did not even realize that we weren't impacted enough by the CD's to make the changes that were needed in us until it was too late. Please tel others our story to save them more heartache." The DVD's give the impact that you, as the parent, as well as the rebellious young adult need have made on you. The audio version will not give you that impact! It is better for you to not hear the sermon at all than to have the mesage inoculte you against dealing with the problem.  If you truly want victory in this or any area for you and your rebellious young adult, you will NEED the DVD's and NOT the CD's. If you cannot afford the entire series at one time, we suggest that you start at the top of the list and work your way down through them. (See our specials for the BEST possible price!)

Remember, we are doing our best to try to help you deal with the problem once and for all. Quick, easy, cheap fixes of any life's problems tend not to last. This is even more true in the spiritual realm than in the physical realm!

You may look back at the end and discover there was a DVD that you didn't need, but that one will not have hurt you, and the one you choose to skip may be more essential to your recovery than you could know. We have also witnessed the victory of parents who made the sacrifices necessary and followed even the details that they didn't understand or think applied to them. The joyful outcome of their story is such a blessing! These are not just our ideas - they are Biblical principles that we have personally learned, and they work!

You will not understand why and how these principles work until after you have heard the messages, but Bible truth undergirds all that we are sharing with you.

AFTER you have completely finished watching ALL of the "parenting" DVD's,  or while you are going through the DVD's for the "rebellious young adult" if you are unclear of something that is happening, you are welcome to call us. Once again, be sure to have ALL the Parenting DVD's watched BEFORE calling with questions. The DVD's are where you're going to find most (if not all) of the answers to your questions. (You will also need to get your pastor's permission before you call, as we do not give personal counsel without your pastor's permission.)

Sadly, very few parents are willing to make all the sacrifices to win back their child. Getting the DVD's is the easy part of the process. Paying the Price is the hard but rewarding part! We pray that your family will be one of the success stories that will help encourage others. We love to hear those success stories so please let us know how it goes. It can be a world of encouragement to the next family beginning their process. We pray that God will bless you and give you the strength you'll need as you begin changing the heart of your rebel.

***To increase the effectiveness of this program, we recommend that you and your family continue watching one DVD per week for one to two years, either from the above list or from additional DVD's that are available from our ministry.

Frequently Asked Questions:

How often do we watch the DVD's? You need to get through the DVD's for parents as quickly as you can while still being able to retain the information contained in them. You should watch a minimum of one DVD per day. If you realize that you are dealing with a specific problem within yourself, you may need to watch a particular DVD again and again.

Is it possible to watch the DVD's that are for the parents with our children? You can watch the DVD's as a family, but if you already realize that you are struggling in a specific area (for instance, anger) you really need to watch without the children first and begin making changes before you show them to your family. Remember that they will see your failures before you do, which will create a greater challenge for you to be able to change. (DO NOT, under any circumstances, watch, "Changing the Heart of A Rebel" or "Detailed Instructions..." with the child.)

What do I do about my job and providing for my family? We have many fathers and mothers ask this question. It isn't really something that we can answer for you. This is a decision that you will need to make after watching the DVD's for parents but especially the message, "How Right Priorities Prevent or Solve Life's Biggest Problems." We also recommend that you speak with your pastor and ask for his help, counsel and guidance.

What do I do if my pastor doesn't understand these principles? Take in your copy of the message, "Changing the Heart of a Rebel" and tell him that you have heard this message, but that he is your pastor and the God-given protector of the flock. Ask him if he would be willing to listen to the message to see if it is Biblically sound. Then you can ask him to help you further. Pastors can always speak directly with Dr. Davis if they feel they need to. They should call 800-500-8853 and ask for an appointment to speak with Dr. Davis.

You can also find this information sheet as well as others and additional helpful DVDs on our web site www.solvefamilyproblems.com

Disclaimer: Neither Dr. S. M. Davis nor Park Meadows Baptist Church of Lincoln, IL offers any guarantee for the results of following the counsel offered in this document or in the messages offered in this document or in the messages offered by this ministry, nor do they accept responsibility for any negative outcome resulting from following the counsel offered by this ministry.